I have a really hard month coming up and I've really been stressing about it. Ryan will be out of town a lot for work, we have a handful of Doctor's appointments, and Grey still isn't sleeping through the night. It's going to be tough. I go into the dry heaves just thinking about it... I even had a pretty spectacular meltdown around 4 a.m. last night following a particularly difficult three hours of trying to convince Grey to sleep longer than ten minutes at a time. I felt hopeless and exhausted. But in true hero fashion, my husband came to my rescue. He really is my rock... He took over the rocking and shushing and held me as I sobbed and choked out nonsensical sentences about sleep and nasal saline (the kids both have the sinus crud- further adding to my list of worries). It was quite a spectacle to be sure.
But things tend to look different in the morning light.
I often feel God calling me to be still and just let go of my desire to be in control (and by "often" I mean daily, if not hourly). I crave structure and organization in all aspects of my life. It has become my lifeline since becoming a stay-at-home mom. Of course, there's something to be said for being responsible, but often our desire for structure morphs into an unhealthy desire to be in control. There is a big difference.
Such is the case in my life as of late. A feeling of being completely at the mercy of one little person's every whim has me completely out of sorts. In short, it totally wigs me out. But after last night's -ahem- episode, I awoke with a newfound resolve and commitment to letting God have the reigns- to trust that he knows my heart and wants me to find joy in running my home and raising my kids rather than stress and worry.
So here's the deal: I'm praying for a spirit of humility and peace and I'm having faith that The Lord will be gracious in his dealings with me. I've got two sick babies and I'm going to let myself hold them when they need it without worrying about the laundry or creating bad habits in my 7 week-old. I'm going to be deliberate and intentional in my efforts to relinquish control. And I'm going to let myself fail every once in a while without beating myself up for it!
It starts today, and all I have to do is keep going.