Monday, May 6, 2013
But things tend to look different in the morning light.
I often feel God calling me to be still and just let go of my desire to be in control (and by "often" I mean daily, if not hourly). I crave structure and organization in all aspects of my life. It has become my lifeline since becoming a stay-at-home mom. Of course, there's something to be said for being responsible, but often our desire for structure morphs into an unhealthy desire to be in control. There is a big difference.
Such is the case in my life as of late. A feeling of being completely at the mercy of one little person's every whim has me completely out of sorts. In short, it totally wigs me out. But after last night's -ahem- episode, I awoke with a newfound resolve and commitment to letting God have the reigns- to trust that he knows my heart and wants me to find joy in running my home and raising my kids rather than stress and worry.
So here's the deal: I'm praying for a spirit of humility and peace and I'm having faith that The Lord will be gracious in his dealings with me. I've got two sick babies and I'm going to let myself hold them when they need it without worrying about the laundry or creating bad habits in my 7 week-old. I'm going to be deliberate and intentional in my efforts to relinquish control. And I'm going to let myself fail every once in a while without beating myself up for it!
It starts today, and all I have to do is keep going.
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Anyway, here are a few more specifics that I want to be sure I remember about this time in my pregnancy!
Friday, January 18, 2013
I don’t want to jinx it, but this pregnancy has been a far cry from my first pregnancy. Although I had a fairly normal nine months with Vesper, I had yucky morning sickness, was tired all the time, gained WAY too much weight entirely too quickly (nearly 45 pounds total, and I’ll be damned if that kid wasn’t even 7 pounds when she came out. Imagine my shock when I didn’t birth a 20 pound baby…) and had really severe swelling in my legs pretty early on. This time around, I’ve had no nausea, very little fatigue, very little weight gain, zero swelling, and generally kept forgetting I was pregnant until my pants stopped fitting.
However, it seems as though now that I’ve hit my third trimester, my body has said “it’s been fun, but I’m done now.” I certainly feel pregnant- larger, off kilter, less cognizant, less energetic, and obsessive nesting has officially set in. (as in, I want the nurseries to be done like, yesterday). I have so many things that I want to do that I have about thirteen lists running at any given time. I’m balancing keeping a home, being a mommy to an energetic 14 month old, a wife to my sweet husband, a good friend, and being involved in a few different ministries through our church, PLUS I have plans for a couple of different business ventures that I want to do involving Red Dirt Revival and my photography business.
If you’re a mom you know that the golden hour (or sometimes two if you get lucky) is nap time. You can get SO many things done around the house while you’re little on snoozes, but I’m so tired that at this point, I know I should be resting during this time. I just want to DO and BE so many different things that I’ve been choosing not to rest when down time is presented to me. I’ve noticed myself being less energetic and creative when I play with Vesper and I can barely keep my eyes open at the end of the day when my husband wants to hang out, and then I feel guilty. But I’ll be damned if I’m going to sleep when I could work on a nursery project or do the dishes instead of taking a nap.
A few days ago, I was having a really sad day. I was feeling very selfish and having a pity-party about the fact that I don’t ever do the things that I want to do anymore- blogging, photo shoots, performing on stage, thrift store shopping, sewing, painting, etc etc. And as I sat there feeling sorry for myself and mourning the loss of seriously petty things, I said to God “I just don’t feel like I have all the time I need to do and be all these things!” and I felt His response to me:
“I have called you to do one thing.”
It was so true. I’m not called to do anything be glorify my God through EVERYTHING. I exist solely as a testament to his glory. Such a simple truth… but that was just the beginning of his teaching during this season of my life.
Yesterday, during nap time, I sat and watched Vesper do the ugly cry on her monitor screen for at least ten minutes, refusing to nap. She’s been battling a cold and I could tell she was exhausted, but she just wouldn’t go to sleep. I felt myself getting frustrated- angry even. Didn’t she know I had things to do during her nap time? I really wanted to sew a curtain panel and get started on some art for the nursery! Yes, I was exhausted and my back hurt, but I had to cross some things off of my To Do list! I thought “Just REST, child! You will feel so much better if you stop trying to BE and DO and just REST!” and those words resonated through me.
THAT, I thought, is EXACTLY what God probably says to me on a daily basis. “What are you doing? I don’t even care if your dishes are done today. I’m giving you REST… just take it!” so as I prayed that Vesper’s little spirit would calm down and she could find rest, I prayed the same for myself.
This morning my “verse of the day” on my Bible app was Psalm 46:10.
“Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!”
Nobody does “obvious” like God, huh?
So here’s where I’m at: I’m feeling very convicted that I often struggle with not necessarily wanting to be the best and do everything, but at least appearing to be the best and doing everything. That’s such a pride struggle and honestly, it’s exhausting! What a silly thing.
I’m feeling challenged to make myself small. Be still. Rest. Obey. and TRUST, because in addition to all of this, I feel a promise that if I will just let myself rest in Him, He will give me all the time and energy necessary to get done the things that I need to have done. Now, notice I didn’t say the things I want to have done. I didn’t say the things that I pinned three months ago that are super cute and begging to be completed and blogged about, and I certainly didn’t say the things that I want to do to glorify myself. In fact, it’s pretty safe to assume that His list of things that need to be done is much shorter than mine…
I would bet His policy is more of a “quality over quantity” thing, and if I remember correctly, my mantra this year is “simplify.”
As hard as it’s going to be, I need to take this time not to make sure my house is spotless, the nursery is cute, and that I’m present for every church function, but to love my husband and my daughter the best way that I can and to glorify God through my words and actions. Because as much as I want to simplify our lives, they’re about to become a whole new form of “hectic” with this little guy on the way!
REST is what matters now. Resting in God. Trusting in His goodness and His promises…
How far along: 30 weeks
Gender: alllll BOY
Name: After much debate, we’ve made a decision on the perfect name for our little fella, but we’re not ready to announce just yet!
Total weight gain: Technically, my chart reads a gain of four pounds. I did, however, gain back the 10+ pounds that I lost early on!
Maternity clothes: Some. Mostly pants. I wear a lot of empire waist shirts or tunics with leggings anyway, so a lot of my regular clothes have made regular appearances this pregnancy, which is awesome because it’s really tough to find cute maternity clothes that aren’t expensive. I’ve also been lucky enough to wear heels throughout this pregnancy! I was very excited about this development because due to severe swelling, I couldn’t wear anything but flats that were a size bigger during my last pregnancy!
Stretch marks: same- Psh. I've had stretch marks since I was 15. All real women have them.
Sleep: Hit or miss. I have noticed a direct correlation to my water intake and my quality of sleep. Less water = more pain in my hips and back at night= no sleep for me.
Miss Anything: White wine. Ohhhhhh white wine…
Symptoms: I’m finally starting to FEEL pregnant- definitely slowing down and feeling less mentally present during the day. I find myself struggling to be energetic and creative with Vesper, which really makes me feel guilty, but I keep reminding myself that it’s just temporary and soon we’ll work ourselves into a new routine. Also, super awesome reflux. Aside from that, there is the aforementioned pain in my back and hips, but as I said, usually if I maintain my water intake, my pain is lessened. Overall, I still feel leaps and bounds better this pregnancy than I did last!
Belly Button in or out: In
Mood: WOOOOO moody. Not necessarily mean, but just really emotional! I consider myself a fairly level-headed individual, but my emotions are all over the place these days! It’s frustrating because I KNOW that I’m being unreasonable because of hormones and I STILL can’t think rationally sometimes. Crazy.
Best Moment this week: It’s kind of been a tough week, honestly. Like I said, I’m starting to slow down, but you know who ISN’T slowing down? Vesper. Plus, she’s got a really great cold and has been SUUUPER fun to deal with… So the best moment this week was last night when my husband and I put Vesper to bed and sat down to some delicious homemade chicken lettuce wraps and just talked about our week.
Looking forward to: Getting this house organized and ready for a baby boy! We agreed to wait to start on the nursery until after the holidays, so now we’re off and running! And because this is our second, I don’t know if we will have a baby shower or not, so we’re just planning to do everything ourselves in regards to purchases. There are a TON of cute projects that I’m anxious to start, plus switching Vesper into the guest room and converting her current nursery into Baby Boy’s room!
Exercise: I chase a toddler around all day. I’m going to settle for that.
Contractions: None yet. Not even braxton hicks.
Progression: None yet!
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
I saw these Baby Lit books and knew that Vesper had to have them! Luckily, her Gramma spoils her and snatched them up before I could even click them into my shopping cart!
They’re counting primers based on the characters and story lines of classic literature novels. Vesper now has Pride & Prejudice and Jane Eyre and she loves to look through them and count with me! You might remember our favorite page from my Project 365 Week 1 round-up
Monday, January 14, 2013
Every single photo from this week is brought to you courtesy of my iPhone. I don’t know why, but I just never got a chance to pull out my DSLR. Thank goodness for my phone. It’s always so handy when I’m in the moment and I think “THIS is what I want to remember about this day…”
So without further ado, Week 2
Friday, January 11, 2013
Just casual outfits for running errands and making a special little girl’s room livable before her baby brother takes over her life! I’ve slimmed down my wardrobe options quite a bit since coming home, but we still make it a point to get out of our pajamas every day!
Birdy is wearing: headband: DIY (made by a friend); Cardigan: Cherokee brand, (thrifted); Dress: tea brand (gift), leggings: Jumping Beans brand (gift), shoes: no brand, thrifted
Momma is wearing: Earrings: xhileration, Target; Cardigan: GAP (thrifted); Shirt Dress: LIMITED (thrifted); Jeggings: Faded Glory, Walmart; Shoes: Liz Claiborne (thrifted); Belt: xhileration, Target
We’re off to celebrate the Mister’s birthday this weekend, but hopefully I’ll be back Monday with another P365 round-up! Happy weekending!
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Things are finally starting to feel a bit more even-keeled around our house. We’ve been swamped since October and I’ve really enjoyed getting us back into a slow and steady routine since returning from our Christmas vacation. I spend a lot of time with this little angel and she’s a wonderful “helper” around the house, as you can tell.
As we near the birth of our little boy, I do feel a bit of a sense of panic because I know that all this routine will be thrown out the window. It’s just going to take some time and practice before we have a new routine. I’ve been praying a lot for grace and patience- for me and from me. Mostly I’m just ready to get this party started!
Monday, January 7, 2013
I’ve never really wanted to do Project 365 before, but now that I’m so close to having baby #2, I feel like life is just flying by and I’m not taking time to appreciate the small things each day. I don’t know that I’ll be completely consistent with this project, but I am determined to be consistent with taking more pictures of our everyday life. Pictures of holidays and outings are nice, but they always feel a bit contrived in photos. The things I really want to remember are the quiet moments spent with Vesper and my husband in our little house- just…. life, ya know?
These photos won’t always be the best quality- they may not even come from my DSLR every time- and they certainly won’t be professionally edited, but they’ll be ours. And that’s what matters.
So here’s to Week 1.
Friday, January 4, 2013
I don’t know if you heard, but it’s no longer 2012. I have good and bad feelings about 2012. It was one of the most challenging years of my life and certainly not one I care to repeat, but it was also one of the most beautiful and part of me is sad to see it go.
However, I feel like Ryan and I have been so incredibly busy since OCTOBER! I'm glad to see 2013 and my one big resolution and mantra is this: Simplify. I kicked it off yesterday by beginning the nursery process- switching Vesper into the guest room and moving Baby Boy’s items into Vesper’s current nursery. It is definitely one of those “worse before it gets better” projects…
Here's to a year of saying no to the bad and yes to the good.