It's definitely allergy season in the Ahlgrim Haus. We're a snotty, sneezy, wheezy bunch these days. It's an indicator of the changing of the seasons and it happens every year. Vesper has a constant stream of light green goo running over her lips, and I feel like my head has been stuffed full of grass and pollen and crud. Grey seems to have inherited the awesome allergy gene as well. It has made for sleepy, often fussy babies. I felt exhausted all day every day this week until I laid down in bed at night, and then I couldn't turn my brain off and go to sleep! In fact, it has really made the past week incredibly difficult. We're all feeling off our game, and so we're all getting a bit short with each other (Okay, full disclosure, I'm the adult in the situation and it's very possible that *I* am the one getting short with them... ). I have been so frustrated from dealing with sick babies and lack of sleep that I haven't been able to see past my own exhaustion.
They haven't been sleeping past 6:30 a.m. and they've both been shortening their naps, so today, when Grey started fussing himself awake at 6:30 a.m. - hacking and snotting in his crib in the next room- I was less than thrilled. But then 7 a.m. rolled around and Vesper was still asleep, so I took advantage of the alone time with my little guy. I fed him his jar of food slowly and talked to him during his breakfast rather than rushing through it, shoving spoonfuls in his mouth while shouting "Vesper, no. Take that out of your mouth. That can electrocute you!"
He seemed to be enjoying the extra Mommy-time, so I pulled out my phone, opened up my Bible app, and read to him. I've been reading the Psalms and today was Psalm 106. At verse 19 I stopped, puzzled. It talks about God's people forgetting His goodness and choosing to build a idol image of a calf to worship instead. I said to Grey, "Isn't that silly?" I mean, who would do that? God had delivered them from Egypt. They had seen his wrath and his goodness in very extreme ways. There was absolutely no denying that God was... well... God. The Almighty. And yet, "they exchanged the glory of God for the image of an ox that eats grass," (v. 20). How could they be so stupid?
And then it struck me: I choose other things over God every single day.
I choose worry. I choose pride. I choose frustration and sarcasm. I choose to withdraw rather than deal with a problem. And I choose anger because you know what? Sometimes it just feels easier to be angry about a situation rather than change my perspective. My idols aren't made of metal, they're made of emotions and thoughts.
But here's the great part: God has grace on me even when I choose anger, worry, guilt, sadness, frustration, and sarcasm. He shows me unconditional love at all times. He waits for me. He gently pulls me out the pit that I've dug myself into.
So today, I'm trying my hardest to just let go and trust God in dealing with my kids and my house and my husband. Even though I'm tired and frustrated and short on sleep and patience- I'm choosing to just trust Him.