Friday, January 18, 2013

Do? Be? or Don't?

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I don’t want to jinx it, but this pregnancy has been a far cry from my first pregnancy. Although I had a fairly normal nine months with Vesper, I had yucky morning sickness, was tired all the time, gained WAY too much weight entirely too quickly (nearly 45 pounds total, and I’ll be damned if that kid wasn’t even 7 pounds when she came out. Imagine my shock when I didn’t birth a 20 pound baby…) and had really severe swelling in my legs pretty early on. This time around, I’ve had no nausea, very little fatigue, very little weight gain, zero swelling, and generally kept forgetting I was pregnant until my pants stopped fitting.

However, it seems as though now that I’ve hit my third trimester, my body has said “it’s been fun, but I’m done now.” I certainly feel pregnant- larger, off kilter, less cognizant, less energetic, and obsessive nesting has officially set in. (as in, I want the nurseries to be done like, yesterday). I have so many things that I want to do that I have about thirteen lists running at any given time. I’m balancing keeping a home, being a mommy to an energetic 14 month old, a wife to my sweet husband, a good friend, and being involved in a few different ministries through our church, PLUS I have plans for a couple of different business ventures that I want to do involving Red Dirt Revival and my photography business.

If you’re a mom you know that the golden hour (or sometimes two if you get lucky) is nap time. You can get SO many things done around the house while you’re little on snoozes, but I’m so tired that at this point, I know I should be resting during this time. I just want to DO and BE so many different things that I’ve been choosing not to rest when down time is presented to me. I’ve noticed myself being less energetic and creative when I play with Vesper and I can barely keep my eyes open at the end of the day when my husband wants to hang out, and then I feel guilty. But I’ll be damned if I’m going to sleep when I could work on a nursery project or do the dishes instead of taking a nap.

A few days ago, I was having a really sad day. I was feeling very selfish and having a pity-party about the fact that I don’t ever do the things that I want to do anymore- blogging, photo shoots, performing on stage, thrift store shopping, sewing, painting, etc etc. And as I sat there feeling sorry for myself and mourning the loss of seriously petty things, I said to God “I just don’t feel like I have all the time I need to do and be all these things!” and I felt His response to me:

“I have called you to do one thing.”

It was so true. I’m not called to do anything be glorify my God through EVERYTHING. I exist solely as a testament to his glory. Such a simple truth… but that was just the beginning of his teaching during this season of my life.

Yesterday, during nap time, I sat and watched Vesper do the ugly cry on her monitor screen for at least ten minutes, refusing to nap. She’s been battling a cold and I could tell she was exhausted, but she just wouldn’t go to sleep. I felt myself getting frustrated- angry even. Didn’t she know I had things to do during her nap time? I really wanted to sew a curtain panel and get started on some art for the nursery! Yes, I was exhausted and my back hurt, but I had to cross some things off of my To Do list! I thought “Just REST, child! You will feel so much better if you stop trying to BE and DO and just REST!” and those words resonated through me.

THAT, I thought, is EXACTLY what God probably says to me on a daily basis. “What are you doing? I don’t even care if your dishes are done today. I’m giving you REST… just take it!” so as I prayed that Vesper’s little spirit would calm down and she could find rest, I prayed the same for myself.

This morning my “verse of the day” on my Bible app was Psalm 46:10.

“Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!”

Nobody does “obvious” like God, huh?

So here’s where I’m at: I’m feeling very convicted that I often struggle with not necessarily wanting to be the best and do everything, but at least appearing to be the best and doing everything. That’s such a pride struggle and honestly, it’s exhausting! What a silly thing.

I’m feeling challenged to make myself small. Be still. Rest. Obey. and TRUST, because in addition to all of this, I feel a promise that if I will just let myself rest in Him, He will give me all the time and energy necessary to get done the things that I need to have done. Now, notice I didn’t say the things I want to have done. I didn’t say the things that I pinned three months ago that are super cute and begging to be completed and blogged about, and I certainly didn’t say the things that I want to do to glorify myself. In fact, it’s pretty safe to assume that His list of things that need to be done is much shorter than mine…

I would bet His policy is more of a “quality over quantity” thing, and if I remember correctly, my mantra this year is “simplify.”

As hard as it’s going to be, I need to take this time not to make sure my house is spotless, the nursery is cute, and that I’m present for every church function, but to love my husband and my daughter the best way that I can and to glorify God through my words and actions. Because as much as I want to simplify our lives, they’re about to become a whole new form of “hectic” with this little guy on the way!

REST is what matters now. Resting in God. Trusting in His goodness and His promises…



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